it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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