I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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