i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
