I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
