I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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