i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
