my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
