My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
