Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
