Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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