i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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