the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
