During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
