Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
