I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
