A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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