My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
