Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
