it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
how drunk are you?
Several
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize