Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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