hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
