and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
