i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
