Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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