i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
