where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
