I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
