im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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