Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
