I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
