Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
