Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
