Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
