I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
