I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
