Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
