You can't special order awesome
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
