Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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