you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
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In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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