The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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