i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
