I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
