The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
We smell like vodka and hangover
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