I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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