I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
