Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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