I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
