is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
it was like having sex with a tree stump
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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