I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
