i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
