No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
