I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
