did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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