The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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