they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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