Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize