Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
