Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
