i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
